MIXED nuts

today (on a personal level): wonderful!

amidst the stressful week, God blessed me with one beautiful day. it started out to be really stressful but in the end, i feel very much alive. this involves the things that happened to me personally, though. social events, ah... that's a very different issue.

so what happened?

i had my orals for philo. i'm quite nervouse because this is my first philo orals in filipino ever. besides that, this requirement will make up 20% of my grade. man! one orals can make you or break you. because of my stupidity, i started really reviewing at 3 am. that particular session ended abruptly due to sleep. i thought people at home would wake me up. BUT NO! so i woke up (consciously) at 9 am. my orals is at 11. i haven't had a good look at my readings. DAMN! i told myself. i had to skim through all 4 THICK readings just to make sure that i get the 6 thesis statements right. imagine the stress. IMAGINE THE STRESS!

i read and browsed through the readings. good thing, i highlighted the key terms and looked for them through the readings. i focused my attention there. i got through 3 readings. hurrah! i told myself. so i rushed to school and arrived there 5 minutes before 11. double-checked my sched. i wasn't up until 11:15. whooooo... sigh of relief. i have 10 mins to really take a deep breath and browse through the readings again. at the back of my head, i'm praying that thesis 6 would not be the one chosen for me. although i have the slightest idea what it means, i don't have the craziest detail from the reading to support it.

after going through the quick 10 minutes, i walked slowly to the consultation room, praying so hardly that i don't get thesis statements that i'm not confident with. i sat in the room, waited for my teacher. when she came in, she asked me to pick a number. ALAS! thesis 3. goodness! it's one of the easiest because i read and understood marcel. whooo... relief! i went through the thesis to the best of my ability. halfway through, my teacher started asking questions. i answered to the best that i can. PHILOSOPHY 'to eh. isang mabuting pagmumuni-muni ay katanggap-tanggap. i believed our conversation went well. not knowing whether i will be asked to finish the rest of the thesis statement (i can but i'm trying to avoid the democracy part), the time ended with the teacher telling me "ang bilis noh?"

i found myself smiling after the orals, happily walking back to mateo ricci.

well, this event somewhat made my whole day. even the LC meeting turned out to be a blast. it was a light and fun meeting. ganda.

for these, i thank the one who planned everything for me. THANK YOU!

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on the socio-political aspect of today: WHATEVER!

i'll reserve my opinion until this whole chaotic episode in our politics reach a certain point of normalcy.

i hate it when i see both sides of the political battlefield end their political battles in a series of dramatic and chaotic show. admittedly, i trust no one in politics anymore. everyone is there to suit their own personal ambitions. what makes me more pissed at is how much they manipulate the events in trying to gain the support of the people. kanya-kanya lang yan at puro moro-moro na lang. what makes me more pissed at is how much they manipulate the events in trying to gain the support of the people.playing the walkout card. playing the numbers card. they're all the same. administration or opposition, you are your own masters and of course, power, money, ambition and favors.

i really dislike how the militant groups portray themselves as the voice of the people. i believe the voice of the people is sick and tired of this teleserye that goes in circles. people are sick with SELF-SERVING POLITICIANS protecting their own interests. people are sick with militant groups who never seem to be contented. THEY WANT ALL PRESIDENTS OUT! if they're not contented with this poor system, why join it? people are sick with media playing only the TERRIBLE FACE OF POLITICS.

people in this country want good news.
people in this country want hope from fellow filipinos who are exemplars and who are excelling in their own fields here and abroad.
people in this country want hope from fellow filipinos who are heroes in their own rights.
people in this country want stability.
people in this country want peace.
people in this country want good leaders.

GOOD LEADERS? that's a long wait.
sometimes, i would imagine having the whole country's congress eradicated. para naman mapalitan. grabe naman yan. paulit-ulit na lang. NAKAKAPAGOD NA!

wala ngang pasok...

STRESS NAMAN!!!

i hope this sem would end. i thought that after last week, ayos na. HINDI PA PALA!!! kelan matatapos ang pagpapahirap? kelan? kelan? KELAN?

SPLIT

first half of me: YEHEY! walang pasok. bakasyon. long weekend. relax

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second half of me: BOO! can't go to the lib. can't get my readings. dacanay paper to submit this evening. no dacanay. philo orals still on tuesday. tons of things to do.

hay...
but, the good news, i'm slowly regaining my happy self.
pera bati.

SIMPLE consoling day

alas! a day of consolation.
things that i'm thankful for:

• a light psychlab class.
  
• a wonderful and meaningful conversation with patty.
• simple chat with bien.
• nightly chit-chat over the phone with kevin.
• a win by the BLUE EAGLES. go ateneo one big fight.
• ym with cas and chris.
• lastly, deep awareness of my emptiness and realization of the missing piece in my aclc life: GOD's LOVE.

lord, thanks for reminding me.

HOW do i KNOW?

i have a feeling that i have a certain talent.
TO KNOW. a basta alam ko na 'yan.

background: probably, it's my personality to be connected to other people's lives. i easily get affected by little stories happening, especially to the people i really care about: my friends. i get entangled in their web of their hearts' joys and pains. i get sucked into the blackhole of tsismis. in the end, i would want to feel needed - the shoulder to cry on, the psychologist, the joe d'mango, the adviser, etc.

from this background, i probably developed my skill of knowing. to substantiate further, knowing here does not mean something pertinent that would add to our stock of knowledge through studying, reading books, listening to lectures, etc. knowing, in this sense, involves the not-so-important knowledge, especially of people but these knowledge is the most juicy one.

the talent: the talent is involved with knowing without getting caught, fishing information without asking it directly. magpapaliguy-ligoy para makaipon ng datos. all possible non-academic, sometimes non-ethical, research methods would be used to gather the juiciest stories one can ever find. kulang na lang, ipublish sa tabloid at ifeature sa the buzz. i had develop a knack for these.

included in the juiciest information are the new love teams, brewing crushes, likes and loves, new issues between people (good or bad), possible causes of conflict, likeable people, hateable people. these information-gathering talent is very helpful in seeking "evidence" to corroborate my newly discovered ISSUES.

when asked, "paano mo nga ba ginagawa?" i would simply share techniques. the easiest being: reading between the lines. people would tend to include thousands of messages in a simple sentence. how would you know? the manner of delivery, body language, sentences before and after, conversation premise, possible intent in saying. there are many clues leading to those hidden messages. one must be aware of those rather than the concrete statement to be able to understand. there are many other ways but i don't want to further elaborate on them. hindi naman ito ang point nito.

point: i have realized that this has been part of my system. i get so easily distracted by possible sources of information and luckily, i have somewhere, or should i say, someone with whom i can share it with. i won't disclose names. baka tawagan niyo bigla tapos magtanung-tanong kayo. long before, i believe that it was simply out of my curiosity but now, it is also part of my desire to be in control and my need to be needed. i have to take part in other people's lives to fulfill myself.

sometimes, it is fun to do: unravelling the mysteries of a hidden feeling deep down towards another while the rest of the world don't know anything about it. the good feeling comes in when you know you're the first one who finds out and has the capacity to share it with other curious ones. but sometimes, it isn't. it's too overwhelming and the responsibility is way way GREATER. yes, this style may work but once you open the pandora's box of altruism. there's no turning back. everything depends now on how you handle the situation and in how you, as the third party, take part in the issue.

but hey, i'm not your typical chismoso. i would not tell or share what is not right. i would gather information that would be well-corroborated and truthful. oftentimes, those that remain in the speculation level would remain with my good friend and middleman with whom i share my theories.

ps. i promise. i would share my secrets in knowing in the coming entries.

side notes

kumbaga sa misa, heto ang mga announcements.
kumbaga sa tv, heto ang commercials.
kumbaga sa magandang umaga pilipinas, heto ang mga batian (yung may busina ng barko).
kumbaga sa buhay, time out muna... tama na muna ang seryoso.

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happy birthday SELANGE and JOFEL. sana'y lumaki pa kayo. haha.

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mahirap magmention ng pangalan dito sa blog. kahit kating-kati na akong gamitin sila, HINDI PWEDE. hirap talaga. sila pa naman ang aking reference point sa aking pakikipagsapalaran sa meron.

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ACK. speaking of which, l*nt*k na meron yan. MERON! MERON! MERON! lunud na lunod na ako sa pagmemeron. meron pang PSYCH! kailan ba matatapos? ayoko nang mag-aral pero ayoko pang magtrabaho. haay...

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maganda ang mtv pilipinas. kahit hindi ko natapos, oks lang. boring nga lang ang mga spiels pero astig ang performances. oh well... till next time na may libre ulit.

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masaya ang basketball kanina. masaya rin ang acmg kanina.

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BLUE EAGLES, i'm proud of what you've accomplished so far. good luck bukas. GO ATENEO! ONE BIG FIGHT!

zo that's it.

nagMEMERON

ngayon, nakikisangkot ako sa tawag ng meron. sabi ng meron na dapat ko siyang maunawaan sapagkat may papel akong isusumite bukas. haha. "ang papel ng pilosopo sa panahon ngayon ay bigkasin ang meron."

o ha?!

thanks to big brother for some past time.

today

congratulations to the aclc iac basketball team! kahit hindi natin napigilan ang magaling nilang player, ayos lang. wala tayong magagawa. magaling talaga. pero isa lang ang nilamang talaga natin sa kanila. sa atin, lahat tayo gumagawa at nagtatrabaho. CONGRATULATIONS!

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i believed in the hardwork of my groupmates in our physio psych report on sexual behavior. however, i felt the i-must-be-in-control feeling and felt somewhat the i-could-have-done-better-had-i-been-part-of-the-presentation-team feeling. oh well, minimal participation. i'm sorry to all of you.

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argh! cut again in philo. PRIORITIES!!!

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why can't i wake up that early on tuesdays or thursdays? aaahhh! had to cram my cog paper and had to skim through my physio notes. LAHAT HULA!

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masayang kasama si bro. errol sa meeting. he adds life. and i'm just looking forward to teh community activity tomorrow. sana ok siya. sana makabond namin talaga ang mga members ng aclc community. oh well.

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i have to catch up on my aclc. i feel that i'm way behind. i feel that i've lost many of my aclc self. AGH! i have to lose this i-have-to-be-in-control self. i have to. i have to. note to self: i don't want to push aclc to something they do not have a full understanding of. mahirap ipagtulakan sa kanila ang isang bagay na alam nila pero inaasahan mo lang nang walang pasabi. it can't happen all the time. it can't be expected.

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sana hindi kayo mahalata. kayo ha. yiheee... nakoh! bata pa 'yan.

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heto... nasa pagitan pa rin.

thanks to MARKY

oy marky, kung produkto ka, dapat may bayad na ako sa gagawin kong ito dahil naipromote na kita. hahaha. pero gagawin ko pa rin.

siguro, sa loob ng ilang linggong ito at lalo na sa nakaraang weekend, halos ikaw lang ang pinaka-nakakainteract kong tao. haha. pero ayos lang. MASAYA naman eh. gusto ko lang magpasalamat kasi kahit na ganito ako ngayon: malabo, between consolation and desolation at punung-puno ng magugulong pag-iisip, nakinig ka. alam mo, ikaw lang ang nasumbungan ko, nahingahan ko at nakakwentuhan ko ng maayos this week.

salamat.
sa dinner.
sa basketball game.
sa areareps' dinner.

sana maulit! haha. masayang makipagkwentuhan lalo na't magkaiba na tayo ng ginagalawan at iba na ang ating pagtingin sa ating mga nakasanayang gawain. hehe.

thank you. ulitin natin. ako naman ang babawi.
julius "kuntento na sa simpleng hapunan" porqueriño

i MISS being an AREAREP

another late entry. here goes.

after looking at the picture that marky gave us, last year's areareps, that was placed in a nice frame, i can't help but look back. why did it feel wonderful to have a reunion? what did we do back then that made us this close as areareps? why were we looking forward to this amidst the rocky year that "our aspect" experienced last year?

last saturday's reunion was fun. it was really fun. i experienced an unexplainable feeling of consolation. although i'm at the stage when consolation is very difficult to acknowledge, i know that deep within me, i am experiencing consolation. last saturday's get together was really something that i will keep forever.

cheesy as it may sound, it's true. for one, it is very difficult to have reunions like these because people like marky (the apostolate head) and cherub (former tres arearep) have work and we, the rest of the areareps, who are still studying have other responsibilities within the school and the org. another reason is that it was nice to look back - to look back at the year that we were colleagues, better yet, friends. yes, it was hard and desolating (the apostolate situation last year) but i believe, the relationship with each other and the cura personalis of our leader, marky (yes!), sustained us and kept us going.

everytime i look back, i only remember encouragement, exchange of ideas, support and the fun times that we had as area reps. hindi ko maikakaila kahit mahirap, masayang maging arearep lalo na't katrabaho mo hindi lang ang isang mahusay na area pero ang isang pangkat ng mga pinunong napakabubuti at napakagagaling. i miss to be part of that group as a cosupporter, coencouager - as a co-arearep and co-apostolic leader.

that all i missed.

when marky handed us his little gifts: a picture taken during evsem05, photoshopped with our names and the label area reps 04-05, and mounted on a picture frame, i can't help but feel touched and at the same time, sad. that "awww" moment, or when-you-want-to-burst-into-tears moment, was caused by a sudden flashback of that wonderful year with these people, the areareps.

thanks for that wonderful year that we recalled through a simple lutong-bahay dinner, videoke moment and chat. kahit sa sandaling panahon (3 minuto, hehe) tayo nakumpleto, hinding-hindi ko yun malilimutan. isang ulit pa!

thanks kimmy.
thanks bam.
thanks lloyd.
thanks kim.
thanks cherub.
thanks ani.
- and -
thanks bossing marky.

what a night! i love you guys. salamat sa pagpapaluha sa akin.

SPAM comments

kevin syling!

tama ka. may spam comments na rin pala ngayon.
"nice blog you're having, you might be interested in blah blah blah... you might be interested in blah blah blah... visit our site blah blah blah." hahahaha.

oh well.

mission: SELF-AWARENESS

i'm on my personal mission
of self-awareness;
not only through my eyes,
but also, through
friends,
community,
feelings - joy and consolation,
anger and frustration,
emptiness,
fulfillment,
bubbliness,
stress;
everyday experiences,
everyday stories
everyday learnings.

ME.
to be aware of me.
to see me.
because i don't know
who i am and
who i am trying to become.

mission starting
in 5... 4... 3... 2....

COUNTING CONSOLATION: an overdue entry

here goes my overdue entry.

first and foremost, i would like to welcome bro. terence to the online blogging community. i'm looking forward to read your sharings, reflections, thoughts and feelings. again, welcome!!!

entry title: why?
last saturday evening, we in aclc had our annual family night. a night when we bring our families to meet aclc and introduce them to this way of life that keeps us from going home most of the time. ever since my bad experience of handling this same activity last year (no support from most members), i must admit that i was quite apprehensive with the way things might turnout for this year's family night.

i was quite surprised. the venue was well-prepared. the weather was nice. many members started to come in, with their parents, the food came in early, the people were well-dressed. i was amazed. i could not believe my eyes. i was actually excited for that activity.

prior to the activity, moreover, i asked the services of the acmg choir (which i am a part of but not a good choir member yet, hehe) to sing for the mass. also, i would like to introduce them to activities of aclc to share with them who we are in the same manner we are sharing this identity to the parents. actually, i was also excited because for the first time this year, i'm not going to play guitar for the mass and we're going to have a group singing for our mass. this was another source of excitement.

before the activity, i was quite nervous since our service did not arrive yet to pick us, the choir and me, up. fortunately, aaron and his family decided to meet up in xavier hall where we are waiting. oh my... what a relief. we arrived there just on time.

the mass was perfect! fr. ari had a beautiful homily and i felt that he felt at home with the activity since, according to him, the family night started during his time in aclc. i think it brings back memories. also, i believe that fr. ari enjoyed himself during the evening.

fr. ari was not the only one who enjoyed the evening. acmg enjoyed the evening. members enjoyed the evening. but most importantly, i think the parents also enjoyed the simple program prepared for them. ACLC at its best presented to our loved ones. munting salu-salo, konting katuwaan at masasayang kuwentuhan. this was that night's theme, i believe. GALING TALAGA! simple lang pero masaya; hindi mabigat.

CONGRATULATIONS and HAT'S OFF to those who prepared for this wonderful evening. i think God was really working with us and in us last saturday evening and is reminding us, more of me, that He is always with us as long as we put our faith in him.

GOD's LOVE!

STUPID!!!

WHY?!!

i'm such an idiot.
got stuck in the quicksand of curiosity.
i find myself very dizzy.
dammit!!!

my my...
oh well. what i discovered did not help at all.
it's all senseless rants.
hehe.

let go. let go.

---

by the way, this is not a poem. haha.

STRESS!!!

i'm in the stress zone again. i can't help it.

hakuna matata.

i became more open when i did let go

before i can prescribe, i have to do it myself.

i did let go.

i became more open. i found out lots and lots of things. everything became clear now. i thank you lord. thank you very much.

inordered attachments

i'm surprised at myself. knowing that i'm a heart person, i'm the usually attached one. now, it seems like i am one of those who are really trained to see an attachment towards something and that this attachment hampers anyone's growth or in the ignatian sense, it interferes with being truly free such that God can work his way in us; can deepen his life within us.

sometimes, i wonder, though. when i really feel desolation towards attachments, am i just projecting? is this what i really feel? nagagalit ba ako sa attachment na nakikita ko o ako mismo ay attached? maybe i feel this way because i would usually want to feel needed, important, special. however, when i find myself seeing someone who would act and be the same, i'm usually frustrated or in some case, envious.

knowing myself now, i know, somewhat, when the feeling is really authentic. attachments that do interfere with God's deepening His life in us does not affect one person. it also affects other people, especially in the setting of a community. if one person is attached towards a thing, for example, an ambition, and sets his/her eyes on it, all of his/her decisions would revolve around that attachment. in the setting of a community, he/she will not be able to contribute if what he/she has to do does not involve that attachment.

just like letting go of someone you love but it does not really work out, i believe all attachments (inordered at the least) should go. for real consolation, easy or hard, to take place, these must go.

in line with that, i'm letting go of my inordered attachment, which is being a person always in control. baby steps towards my growth in God.

i'm sorry. i'm reaching out.
please. please. LET GO.

rainy DAYS and MONDAYS

RAINY DAY and MONDAY all in the same day, although i'm not down.

i just had this feeling of being disturbed and at the same time, i felt that i was so busy that i became very unproductive. but really, this day seemed to be a very busy day even though i had only one subject (my favorite one, take note). i still felt that stress. maybe it's just being an atenean that makes life difficult as a student.

anyway, after reviewing my day, i just had to share with my SD all that i felt. this feelings have been piling up since last week and i think it's about time to vent them all out.

here are my realizations:

• i have been feeling frustrated over many things lately. primarily, i don't see God in the usual places i see him. i realize that he is the one who has been looking for me. also, i should wait for him patiently in the soft breeze or in my terms, the little things/graces/good that he has been blessing me with.
• it's good to have a fallback org or group. it's nice to be different somewhere else. you get to share your spirituality with people.
• i really don't like result-orientedness. i hope it will change.
• desolation came in as a result of inordered attachments brought about by previous incidents. hmmm.....
• i love singing mass songs!
• it's nice to be with people and taking care of them. they're the primary sources of my consolation these past few days. some people were my sources of desolation, though. anyway, love them still.
• i liked how kim thought out of the box and how she felt disturbed. it's being honest with oneself and knowing what one truly desires in what she does. galing niya.

oh well. a rainy day and a monday, but i'm not down. i just feel very much liberated.
that's it.

happy birthday FRAGGY!

it was a grace-filled evening of laughter, bonding and friendship.

fraggy's birthday party became a venue to strengthen ties and friendships, reinforce existing bonding among batchmates and all the mates in aclc, and most of all, to celebrate life (as seen in fraggy) with everyone in the community. it was a wonderful experience of sharing these evening with everyone present. kay saya!

except... :-)
let go, let GOD.
i don't necessarily like it, but i would love you still.
you're part of the community i committed myself to.

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY FRAGGY!!!

FRIDAY night

here is my friday night summary.

• experimental psych write-up: STRESS! pero no worries. hakuna matata. erica, sorry kung nastress ka. : )
• fr. dacanay quiz: i did not expect his question. he told us to study mark but he asked something from our notes. ugh. he caught us by surprise. buti na lang, namigay siya ng 4 last wednesday.
• ic with geoann: masaya. geo, sarap makipagkwentuhan. ulitin natin. dalas-dalasin natin. woohooo!!!
• first friday mass: grace-filled. nice homily. napasama ako sa choir, take note. hindi ko alam ang voicing kaya melody ang kinakanta ko sa side ng tenor na hindi ko voice sa acmg. o ha.
• acmg post-mass salu-salo: saya pala after ng mass. BUSOG!
• aclc basketball: wala lang. pampalipas-oras. masayang panooring magbasketbol ang mga kaorg natin. hehehe.

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just like to mention something in ambiguity
(gusto ko lang ilabas sa puso ko):

"i hope you will understand. i thought that i had forgotten everything. no. i am still not ready to face you. i am still asking God to give me the strength and the courage. maybe next time. maybe next time. as soon as i'm ready, i will face you. i promise. i hope you will understand."

bioPSYCH hell

nakakaawa lang talaga teacher namin pero nagrerebelde lang talaga ako sa subject na'to. i don't know. i don't really have that knack for those hard sciences. ugh. i hate bio psychology. mahirap na magtest, the whole content is uninteresting.

in fairness to my teacher, he is trying his very best. kahit na nakakatulog ako sa class niya, mabait pa rin siya. oh well. yun lang.

BAGSAK!!!